Perhaps Prince Charles could go to bat against Kevin Pietersen

Two huge figures of British life have dominated recent news. Prince Charles has been forced to reveal the contents of letters he wrote to lobby ministers on his favoured causes such as architecture, homeopathy and farming. Meanwhile, Kevin Pietersen, perhaps the greatest cricketer of his time, has been discarded by England because of his rampant ego and "disloyalty" to teammates.

From: HRH Prince of Wales

To: John Whittingdale, Secretary of State for Culture

Dear Whitto,

I was delighted to read of your appointment. Your predecessor, Sajid Javid, was a fine man but he evinced little sympathy with the causes we cherish and kept banging on about something called the repo market. I wish you well in this new role and I look forward to communicating often. I am sending you some ragwort tablets which are a great panacea for stress.

I did read that you would be using your role to attack the BBC. I have no view on that but, if you could do something about Nicholas Witchell, I would be most grateful. He's always hanging around outside my house till well after 10pm.

My primary purpose in writing today is to discuss Kevin Pietersen and the England Cricket Board. I have met people from all walks of life who are most concerned that he will not play for England when we next take on my soon-to-be Dominions.

I have no wish to be personal about Mr Pietersen. Though I note with distaste his friendship with Piers Morgan, he is clearly a swashbuckling cricketer and his hair is much prized in homeopathic circles where the essence of his follicles is well known as a cure for gout. But he seems also to be touched by the kind of rampant ego that would see him hunt the Patagonian toothfish to the edge of extinction if he heard that its scales were good for his complexion.

This all points to a wider malaise, one in which talent is prized above losing gracefully, good manners, understatement and the ability to occupy the crease for hours without scoring. These stolid traits are in jeopardy thanks to television and the antics of a few who put themselves above the team. These men, with their modern hair, are turning people from the traditional appreciation we once had for a protracted low-scoring innings - or "an absorbing tussle between bowler and batsman" to use the correct terminology. When Geoff Boycott was at the crease, one could head off for a three-course meal without fear of missing more than a handful of runs. This new breed of "showmen" leave people afraid even to buy a cup of tea, lest they miss the greatest innings of their lives.

This goes to the heart of whether we treat sport as mere entertainment or as a canvas on which we draw our values as a society. As you know, the Prince's Trust runs cricket summer schools which elevate the traditional cricket skills, notably the forward defensive, the desultory clap of the bored spectator, ironing your cricket whites and applying linseed oil to your bat. This last, you will be reassured to know, is done using only unmodified oil drawn solely from wild flax and hand-pressed by novitiates from the Dronefield Monastery in Cornwall.

When ordinary people and their children prefer showmen over stoic and uninspiring leaders we have to worry. It is hard to imagine men like Mr Pietersen holding the square at Rorke's Drift. He would, no doubt, have been too busy messaging the zulu about the failings of Michael Caine's command. Flair is all very well, but had we wanted to be stylish we would have been French. So do please urge the ECB to stand firm.

Across the country so much that was good is being lost: architectural heritage, organic vegetables, Nick Clegg, jam-making and the divine right of kings. I hear that even the 8ft stone bearing Ed Miliband's campaign pledges - a unique example of an early 21st century folly - is still to secure even Grade II-listed status.

I look forward to working closely in our fight for traditional values, white shirts, nesting seabirds, old-style outhouses and the thin red line.

PS: I apologise for the subterfuge - blame the Freedom of Information Act - but my aides advise that in future we communicate via something called Snapchat. Apparently, you can find me @chazzawales.

Yours ever . . .

[email protected]

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